Java Jaguar

Java Jaguar is based on the true story of a talking jaguar cub found in a local coffee cafe.

“But wait,” I hear you cry. “Jaguars can’t really talk…”

At long last, let me finally get around to the Java Jaguar origin story.

About 15 years ago I was working as the assistant manager of a small, locally owned coffee shop called Common Groundz Cafe in East Honolulu. One day, right around Christmas time, I found a plastic bag that someone left under a table, and that’s where I found this little guy.

(He didn’t have his collar and ID tag at the time, one of my coworkers made that for him).

I placed the little jaguar cub in the lost and found but no one came looking for him. After a few days, it occurred to me that whoever lost him may not know where they lost him, so I decided to display him on the counter. I put him in front of the register, but first made him a little cartoon speech bubble with these words on it: “I’m lost. Please claim me.”

After another week, still no one came in to claim him.

But since he was there taking up space on our counter. I decided that I may as well put him to work. So I changed his speech bubble to: “Hi, my name is Java Jaguar. Please ask me about drink recommendations.”

And the legend of Java Jaguar began to spread.

I changed his dialog bubble every week. Java developed his own persona of a sassy, know-it-all, no-nonsense, tough guy jaguar cub (who is just a little bit racist against leopards).

Customers would want to come in every week just to see what Java was saying. I wish I still had all his old cartoon bubbles, but some of his memorable quotes were:

• “Atkins Shmatkins… Have a scone.”
• “Today’s brew is Rwanda coffee. It pairs great with maple walnut muffins and deer.”
• “Someone asked me what’s the difference between jaguars and leopards. Jaguars are deadly predator cats native to the American continent. And leopards are big, dumb fatheads.”
• “Someone from the board of health came by and told me a big cat can’t be on the counter. So I bit him.”
• I will taste your coffee for you for the low, low price of “or else.”

Actually, my biggest fear after a few months was that someone would eventually come in to claim Java, but that never happened.

I created a MySpace page for him and he had more friends than I did in like his first week (that page is still there since I can’t remember the password for the account. Or even the password of the email account I created to make his MySpace profile).

One of his MySpace friends drove like 20 miles from Kaneohe Marine Base just to take a picture with him and gave him a tiny pair of sunglasses.

During one period of time we took Java away from the counter and replaced him with a kidnapped notice. We changed the title of our tip jar to the “Java Jaguar Ransom Fund.” I wish I could say we made like $10,000 to rescue our mascot, but in reality I don’t think it actually increased our tip rate…

At one point, Java announced that he was running for mayor of Honolulu (which will probably still happen at some point in the webcomic). At a fundraising event that our coffee shop was participating in, then-mayor Mufi Hanneman was there and I asked him to take a photo with our store mascot, which he graciously did. (He may not have if he knew that Java was running against him in the next election). So, so glad that I decided to bring Java to that event for this awesome photo op.

 

So, whatever happened to Java Jaguar?

I wish I knew.

The coffee shop changed ownership and two of us old employees stayed on with the new owners. I had been saving all of Java’s old cartoon bubbles in a small little recipe box, but that got lost during some renovations. Then one day, Java himself disappeared. No one knows where he went. No doubt he had to return from whence he came now that his mission to entertain coffee customers was at an end. Or perhaps he realized that by disappearing, he could make the transition from a local legend to a mysterious iconic figure of history.

This webcomic is an homage to my old jaguar friend.

But if someone can find me that exact same stuffed jaguar I will pay big money for it. And by big money, I mean like $20 USD.